BudgetMama

This is one of those funny long winded jokes I get in my email box every now and then, and though long winded it is so worth the read as it is indeed a classic example of the differences between men and women. Remember the book “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus”? Well, according to the email this lovely example was offered by an English professor at an American University. Read on…..

In-class Assignment for Wednesday “Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story.” The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking and anything you wish to say must be written on the paper. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached. The following was actually turned in by two of my English students: Rebecca – last name deleted, and Gary – last name deleted.

STORY: (first paragraph by Rebecca) At first, Laurie couldn’t decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. “A.S. Harris to Geostation 17,” he said into his transgalactic communicator. “Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far…”. But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship’s> cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit. He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him.

Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. “Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel,” Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth – when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. “Why must one lose one’s innocence to become a woman?” she pondered wistfully.

Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu’udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace disarmament Treaty through congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu’udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. “We can’t allow this! I’m going to veto that treaty! Let’s blow ‘em out of the sky!”

This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.

Yeah? Well, you’re a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. “Oh shall I have camomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F*****G TEA??? Oh no I’m such a air headed bimbo who reads too many Mills & Boon novels”

Asshole.

Bitch.

OMG, I love it.

As with most things, beauty is in the eye of the beholder and the best savings accounts are determined in the same way.

If you are a generation X or Y than chances are you prefer to do most of your banking online. Online banking offers the convenience of instant and private access, no standing in queues waiting to be served, everything is laid out before you on your home computer screen and this makes it much easier for many of us to manage our funds. Combine that with an abundance of ATM’s, Bpay and EFTPOS facilities just about everywhere and these days there rarely seems a reason to enter a branch at all.

Yet despite this self managed approach to banking many of us continue to pay monthly account keeping fee’s to banks for services that we no longer use. The solution is to find a bank that can provide you with an account that only offers online access in return for no fee’s and higher interest.

There are many such accounts out there; however, some have restricted access or conditional balances and withdrawal limits. So what should you look for when determining the best savings accounts available online for you?

#1

An online savings account should be totally and completely free, in other words, no monthly account keeping fee and unlimited free transactions

#2

In most cases online accounts offer reduced penalty fee’s for late payments or dishonored direct debits etc

#3

Your online account should have higher interest than a branch held account and should even be comparable with term deposit rates yet have the benefit of not being tied up for any term.

#4

Whilst you don’t need branch access to an online account you should have direct access via ATM’s and EFTPOS. If you are solely looking to use your online account for saving, then some accounts offer a considerably higher interest but have no ATM access, this means it must be ‘linked’ to a branch account. If the interest and fee structure is great then this type of account is certainly worth having

#5

Free ATM Access. As some online only banks literally have no branches they also have no ATM’s of their own, so be sure that by having an account with this type of bank you are not going to be hit with fee’s for using foreign ATM’s (belonging to other banks) which can be as high as $2 per transaction

At the end of the day we all need to be smart with our money and if you start banking online you’ll be doing just that. But shifting to online banking is not all it takes to get on top of your finances. It doesn’t mater if you have the best savings accounts out there if you can’t keep track of your bills. For example, even though a good online account will charge less for direct debit dishonors, if you can’t organize your banking in a way that ensures you pay bills on time and avoid unnecessary fees you are still paying too much.

Let me just say it straight up, ING, they offer the best savings accounts out there and I’m not getting paid for saying so…though perhaps I should!

I’ve had an ING Savings Maximiser for a few years now as they consistently offer higher interest on savings than others banks without any fees or restriction on balances or withdrawals. However, as ING has no branch access this account needed to be linked to another account and whilst you could withdraw at any time you had to do it by transferring your money into the ‘regular account’ it was linked to, and this could take up to 48 hours. Still, it has been worth it as far as I’m concerned because it’s a SAYYYVings account which by definition means I’m supposed to be sayyyving, not spending, therefore I felt not having immediate access to it was a huge bonus as it meant I was less likely to dib into it on impulse.

But now, halleluyah, ING Direct are now offering an everyday account of their own and it’s called an ORANGE account (you’ll know why when you go to their website), and from someone who is always on the lookout for the best savings accounts out there, I’m giving this one a HUGE tick of approval.

Here’s why you should open one….

First, there are no fee’s

I’m talking no monthly account keeping fee. Now, other banks also offer fee free banking, but it’s usually associated with certain conditions, such as maintaining a minimum balance, or depositing a certain amount each month etc. With ING’s ORANGE account there is literally NO MONTHLY FEE! Deposit as often as you like, withdraw as often as you like, there is no fee. Though they do kindly ask that you do have your salary deposited into it, because lets face it, the banks earn interest of their own on our funds so your helping them keep the costs down by actually having funds go through the account. Now they do have fee’s for other services like getting bank cheques etc, or missed payments charges, but they are way less than any bank I have ever banked with.

Second, there are no ATM fee’s…

This is a biggie for me. You see, many might say, well, if ING don’t have branches and they don’t have their own ATM’s then we are going to get slugged with that ridiculous $2 fee for using foreign ATM’s! Nope, no way, with your ING ORANGE Account you can use ANY ATM and you will not be charged anything, nothing, nada, zip! So, no more walking all over town to get to your own banks ATM to avoid that stupid fee.

Thirdly, they’ll pay YOU up to $60

For this month only as an incentive to take my advice and open one of these fab accounts they’ll pay you up to $60! To get the bonuses all you need to do is have your pay, pension or whatever income you receive paid into your ORANGE account, and bang, same day they credit you with $20. Next you need to use your card for an eftpos transaction and get a $200 cash out and bang, another $20 is credited to your account. Then, set up one of your direct debits (yes I hate them but most of us have at least one) to also come out of your new account and BAM, another $20 is credited to your account. I opened my account and had my card within a couple of days (which is a VISA debit to by the way) and within the week I had earned my $60 in bonuses, I was totally wrapped!

So there you go, three obvious reasons why you should bank with ING, so, go there and do it now => http://ingdirect.com.au/everyday/orangeeveryday.htm and I should point out here that this is a totally honest, no incentives for me promotion….so if anyone from ING is reading this, drop me a line and we can talk advertising space on my blog because I love ING!

Of course, there are other reasons why I think ING has the best savings accounts in Australia today, like the fact that they are actively involved in environmental causes, that’s always a plus in my books, but at the end of the day we all need to be smart with our money and if you make ING your number one bank you’ll be doing just that!